


When I'm With You

by pinkheichou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Armin feels like shit, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Farlan is there for Armin, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, I couldn't hold back my self-indulgence, I love this rare pair okay, Light Angst, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Spoilers, post-chapter 87, this is the rarest SnK rarepair I've ever written a fic for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 05:07:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11350497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkheichou/pseuds/pinkheichou
Summary: After the big events, Armin feels horrible for more than one reason. Not knowing that right away, but playing a big role in the reason behind Armin's agony, Farlan comforts him.





	When I'm With You

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Armin Tribute Week 2017, Day 6: Titan
> 
> Farlan/Armin set in canon time because I fucking can c:

It was early in the evening that Armin had walked off to an abandoned place at the peak of a hill to have some rest—at least trying to. He came from yet another recording of Grisha’s memories that Eren possessed, jotting his narration down as kind of a report. Not only had been the hours of sitting down and swinging his hand swiftly to catch every word leaving Eren’s mouth in time straining him to the point of physical exhaustion, but Armin had his very own struggles as well. Although from the outside no one would probably be able to tell.

Talking to Eren, listening to the revelations that had an enormous impact on the future and destiny of humanity and affecting Armin personally too, had him left shallow.

So as he was sitting down on the green, cool grass, a breeze wavering around, causing his locks to weave up, Armin felt empty and wrung out. Ocean-blue orbs stared straight into the sunset.

The sun was momentarily biding behind the hills in the horizon, as if throning on a crown; its soft beams shimmering down to bathe Armin’s face in a glowing orange. In his current state, Armin didn’t know whether the tranquility was bearable or depraving him like a curse. He needed this, but at the same time he was victimized. Victimized by his own self.

There were many thoughts swirling in his mind, counting the possibilities of the what-if’s and the what-will-be and the sheer fact what it meant for Armin being here. Alive and living. One second he felt like there were too many things violating the inside of this head and the next second he couldn’t think of anything at all, as if still blackness was dispersing over his head from the inside out.

Alone, Armin felt like a wreck.

But he couldn’t do anything.

With his hands looped around his angled knees, he resided in place ghostly and hoped for anything to ease him off. Anything was fine, as long as it wouldn’t take much efforts. At some point time had lost his senses, thus he couldn’t tell when it was that someone approached him, but his other senses did register a presence other than himself.

When he turned to the side he sighted Farlan, face to face, him gazing down at him. Farlan had one hand hid in his pocket, hips swayed to the side lightly. His cream-blond hair had grown a bit. Blood orange-salmon sunbeams illuminated his face, showing off the crinkles that had formed around his eyes from smiling. Despite of the creases Farlan looked like the embodiment of youth, though he appeared like a slightly tired version of it.

Seeing him made Armin a mess. As if there had been a hand the whole time, lingering over his heart and stroking softly to calm him, that very hand was clawing at him now, tearing flesh apart, aching deeply. And Armin felt like having forgotten how to breathe, choking on the lump that stung in his throat like fire.

Armin wanted to feel nothing at all, and wanted to feel everything.

It was as if his sanity was bursting, conflicted.

And Farlan’s first words after what felt like forever of not having seen each other only pressed Armin more into a crevice of sorrow.

Farlan watched him with soft light grey eyes and sent him a regretful smile. “My bad. I shouldn’t have gone to the capital.”

Armin choked more on his own breath. His throat tightened with anguish, and anxiety washed over him. He figured out very well and very quickly the meaning behind Farlan’s vague statement.

If Farlan hadn’t been gone to the capital, he would have stayed by Armin’s side when he and the rest of the Survey Corps were heading to Shiganshina to execute their mission. Perhaps he would have been able to protect Armin from his destinity. But perhaps, in the worst case, he would have witnessed his own lover’s body burning down, grilled like a stick of meat.

_Don’t apologize. No fault lays in you. You were told to do the errands in the capital._

While these thoughts were produced my Armin’s mind, even though all of them were already the obvious to him, he couldn’t do else than to ruthlessly make clear to himself what other horrible things could have happened if Farlan had been with him. Let alone the fact that they were in a relationship, hence Farlan’s sense of protection would have mostly been projected onto Armin’s, it would have most likely resulted in recklessness towards everything else.

His gaze glued to Farlan’s lithe frame, Armin stood still, inwardly crumbling at an increasing pace. Now his mouth also felt dry, but he couldn’t even do as much as to bring his tongue into use.

Farlan faltered in his expression, becoming more serious. His brows were faintly knitted together. “I've talked to Hanji and Levi.” A pause. Some of his longer locks whiffed to the side from the wind.

Armin couldn’t tell it any better than to guess that Farlan had paused to edge an answer from him. It may be that there were no emotions displaying on Farlan’s face to reveal his current feelings, but the silence and that hard gaze underlined Armin’s guess— _fear_. And yet, despite of everything, he wasn’t able to say anything. He was silent, as if in traumatic shock, motionless, panic spilling over.

And then, all of a sudden, Farlan’s face softened. That much that he was smiling genuinely at Armin this time, although painful regret was still swaying as kind of an undertone. But he attempted at best to lift up the depressive mood. “My little sweetheart is a Titan shifter now.”

He said it in a way that sounded wrong in Armin’s ears. Wrong because it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Wrong because he didn’t want to see how Farlan, his boyfriend, would try to play down the seriousness of the matter. Wrong because Armin was convinced that he wasn’t allowed to receive a nice treatment from his own lover because of what he became. It was wrong, wrong, wrong, because Armin had expected the worst. And for him only the worst was appropriate.

As he took in Farlan’s smooth voice, realizing how much of an ethereal beauty he was, someone he didn’t deserve  _anymore_ , he began to crush down into his own personal hell. Tears weren’t just welling up in his eyes, but they actually pearled down his cheeks in an instant. In between thick sobs, he regained part of his voice; at least enough to form some syllabes. His blurry gaze didn’t break eye contact with Farlan’s face. “Are you going to break up with me now?” And that was when he didn’t hold back anymore. The flow of his tears rose in abundance and his cries got louder. More unrestrained.

To be quite frank, since he hadn’t expected such an extreme reaction, Farlan was overthrown at first, confused, but he overcame his own little shock fast, so that he could get closer to Armin, sit down next to him in order to fold him into a hug.

“No. God, no. I won’t break up with you! Armin, why—” Before he could even get close to the blond with his arms, he was attacked by Armin with a crushing hug coming from him, head buried in his chest and both had almost fallen backwards if it wasn’t for the bit of Farlan’s balance steadying the massive embrace.

“I need you.” Armin sobbed; muffled, timid, ashamed. “Please. Don’t leave. Don’t leave me. I need you. I know I don’t deserve… I don’t deserve… But please stay, I—”

“Armin, shhh, calm down. I’m here. And I won’t go anywhere. Why would you think that?” One hand of his reached up to Armin’s head and his fingers glided through his sunkissed locks tenderly.

Armin continued with his heavy sobs, moving his head so that his left ear would lay above Farlan’s chest, right where his heart was. Since his own heart was thrumming erratically, dull throbs pumping through his ears, he needed to listen to Farlan’s heart, hoping for some kind of salvation. His hoarse, chappy voice sounded off again, creating self-loathing words. “I shouldn’t be here anymore. I shouldn’t be the one…”

“Hey, Armin. Calm down. There is no reason for you to feel guilty about this.”

“I shouldn’t be… Erwin… He… He’s dead because of me—”

“Ease off, please. Armin, please. Don’t think about it that way, please. You aren’t at any fault. Take deep breaths. I’m here for you.”

Armin tried to control his shaggy breath, but he was poising in dismal again at Farlan’s last words. Only the regular beat of his heart that he could eventually register was preventing him from breaking down completely.

He sniffled, his face blotted with warm, salty wetness and redness heating up his cheeks and the tip of his nose anxiously. “You are… here for me? No, you will leave me behind, leave me alone, right? I know that. And I know that I can’t do anything against that. I don’t deserve you anymore.”

Farlan’s eyebrows curled in slight irritation. “Why are you still saying this? Babbling nonsense is unlike you.” He finished, with a light teasing touch in his tone.

Armin swallowed down some sobs, shivering, and Farlan wound his arms firmer around him. Holding him close and Armin’s ear to his vivid heartbeat even closer. Armin focused on the peaceful rhythm, and justified his worry, uttering, as if in paralyse, “I can turn into a Titan. And… you were swallowed alive by a Titan once. You despise Titans more than others would.”

Farlan’s heart picked up its pace for the moment, pumping harder. Armin became insecure all over again. Those little sullied fingers were hauntingly palpable on his skin, trying to drag him down to endless dark nothingness where he seemed to belong with his new demons. Armin bit his thin and pale bottom lip, feeling remorse, for his biggest angst was confirmed. Tears prickled in his eyes once more.

Honestly, he hadn’t expected Farlan to huff to this. “You can’t compare these two.” He placed a chaste kiss on Armin’s head. “Sorry. My body is lying. Don’t listen to it.” Armin wanted to believe that Farlan’s words had been a lie, but when his ears heard his heart regulating in a matter of a few seconds, he wasn’t so sure about that anymore. “You know, it’s never good to remember how I used to be close to death in a Titan’s gross stomach.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”

“It’s okay.” A smoothing movement of Farlan’s hand on his hair and another kiss. “Besides, that Titan was an aberrant. A mindless one. It’s not the same as with the one you are.” The pure softness in his voice eased Armin off more than he would admit. Maybe it was also because he trusted Farlan practically blindly. This was what he would have to face for having established such deep feelings for someone, despite all of his principles and believes he had held onto over the years.

There was a part of him that wanted to be bounded to the person in front of him forever. Armin had been altrustic for so long, it was in his nature, but he desired selfish claims once in a while. At least for once, that would give him utter satisfaction. His life had been turned upside down anyway, so what was the point in wasting the limited time he had. Although a tiny part of him wouldn’t dismiss that he should have actually been better off dead days ago and Armin found it a misfortune that he was still living.

Armin was  _scared_.

Even if he shared same fate as Eren, his best friend, meaning that he wouldn’t be disapproved by him or Mikasa since she accepted the way  _Eren_  was, the problem – the source of his endless pain seething his mind blank and black – was the worry of being less worth to the one he held dear affectionate feelings for.

His voice, crunched by his previous sobs, squeaked out, mouth cracking open. “Mindless or not… I’m a Titan now. I’m not human anymore. You’ll dislike me—”

“Armin, stop. That’s not true at all.” Farlan nestled his nose in Armin’s neck, lips grazing his skin preciously, little signs of worshipping his body before he leant next to his ear. “Nothing will change. If anything, I will only feel more for you.”

“B-But… I’m… I’m a Titan…”

“No matter what you are it won’t make me love you less. Get that stupid idea out of your head. I’m not lying. I promise you I won’t stop loving you because of your Titan side. You know how much you mean to me. You’re incredibly gorgeous in every way, that’s why I fell for you. I knew you had extra and special sides in you and your wicked brain would come up with dubious ideas every now and then, but did I ever call you out for anything that was part of yourself? I  _knew_  what I was agreeing to by starting to like you more than a friend. That you’d live your life with one very special trait more is not bothering me. Gosh, Armin, you are too much of a brilliant being, it’s unbelievable enough that someone like you would ever catch my attention. I won’t leave you. I will be by your side until we die. Want me to cling to your leg to prove you a point?”

“N-No!” Armin grimaced, shriveled and torn between smiling involuntarily like an idiot and staying severe. “No, it’s okay. I believe you.”

_I believe you._

Taking in the thumps of Farlan’s heart, hearty and muffled against his ear, he realized how regular and innocent his heart was beating, indicating that Farlan must have been truthful.

The defiling black hands that had chained his limps to the point of losing the ability to be free and sane finally vanished. Armin’s heart bloomed like a cherry blossom tree, and he was welcoming entrancing sparkles, invisible, to smother him and put him at ease.

Closing his eyes, he tried to control his breathing and steady his beating to the same rhythm as Farlan’s.

“Thank you… for staying with me. I know this is selfish, I’m sorr—”

“Hey.” Farlan’s hand swept across Armin’s tear-stained face, silencing him. “I love you, okay?”

 _I love you too!_  Armin wanted to say, but his throat was tied together to a knot. All he hoped for was for Farlan to understand that Armin was feeling the same, not feeling any less affection than he did.

They stayed like that for a while, the sun’s light gradually being swallowed by the entity of the night. Occasionally, Farlan would stroke Armin’s hair, being fond with his fingers.

At some point Armin’s eyes wandered off to something in particular when he was thinking of how Farlan’s hand was feeling against his hair.  _Hair._

“Your hair has gotten longer.” He spoke meekly, but still in a matter of fact.

“Mm. Do I look sexier now?”

Armin took some time to figure out how he should answer. He was silent, faintly overtaken. “I don‘t know.” Anxious, he rubbed his face against Farlan’s shirt to wipe off some dried tears, but mostly he used it to cover his conflicted face. He was jittery. Not to make it sound rude, he gave his best to smooth his mishap. “Maybe.” More of a question than a solid reply.

Farlan barked out a carefree laughter. “Oh god, that’s cruel. Armin, you’re cruel.” He laughed more, then placed his hands on Armin’s shoulder to unravel him from the embrace and look him in the eyes. A moment of natural peace was shared.

Armin quirked his brows in hesitant irritation because he had tried really hard to come up with a nice answer.

That didn’t go unnoticed by Farlan so he grabbed Armin by his cheeks with one hand, squishing, so that Armin’s lips jutted out adorably. “You aren’t cruel. But you are so damn cute.”

“Don’t call me cute!” What probably was a squeal to others sounded like a spat to Armin. Instantly, guilt weighed him down and he averted his gaze. “Please…” Perhaps by adding this he could make up for his actually not-so-shameful rudeness.

Farlan snorted another short laughter. “You act like a cute child.”

Now that most of Armin’s anxiety was gone, the rest still exiting his nervous system, he gathered some courage and threw himself on Farlan with full force, dragging him down to land on his back, in soft green grass.

Farlan looked a bit surprised, but in a positive way. He anticipated whatever would come next keenly.

“Oh, really?” Armin sulked. “Does a cute child do a thing like this too?” And then his lips were on Farlan’s, pressing down on them briskly.

Farlan responded fast, going to pleasant sync with Armin. His arms rose to the other’s back, fingers wrapping around his lean waist. Not much later, after tugging at Armin’s shirt, affectionately, Farlan cupped Armin’s round ass, giving his buttocks a lovely squeeze, drawing out a little moan of his vocal system. He was already making plans on how he would make love to Armin later. Undressing him in his room, glazing lustful eyes at him, full of love, lips marking its way up and down his pale body, biting and sucking, painting red marks to confess to him, without any words being said, how much he  _adored_  him. Armin was making him crazy, making him forget about pain and suffering in this world for a while, he was dragging him into a world of heated love. Dedication, admiration, brilliance.

They pulled back, panting hot breath against each others faces. Armin’s lips change from pale to rosy. So rosy, Farlan wanted to suck on them more. Savour them. Staring into his eyes had him getting lost in a vast ocean.

He curved up a smile, one knuckle grazing Armin’s cheek. “My little sweetheart.” 

Armin, still, just placed his head on his chest as his face began to splatter redness on his skin. The blush occupied his features now and for many more moments. Armin went back to listening to Farlan’s heart that sounded like a lullaby to his ears and Farlan went back to giving the blond head strokes.

He had wanted to dwell on silence entirely, but one thing wouldn’t leave his mind. “Did you… uh, you know,… turn into…?”

Armin shook his head, tiny whips.

Not yet.

Farlan viewed the night that had consumed the sky by now, watching the stars and wondering if he would ever get a chance to see stars in Armin’s pretty eyes. “I see.” And then, “Now that I’m here, I’ll support you with that.”

Armin nodded, his way of saying thank you.

Though, it wasn’t time yet to let silence do its duty, so it seemed.

“Farlan?”

“Hm?” He had put one hand behind his head, relaxed.

“Welcome back. I’m glad you’ve returned.”

 _I should be the one saying this to you,_  Farlan thought.

He tugged his lips upward, giving a gentle smile, and he pressed his mouth against Armin’s head then.

“I’m back. Glad to see you again, love.”


End file.
